By Sabrina Schlesinger
Let's talk about sex...specifically sex AFTER kids. Because we all know there are two kinds.
If you are one who's libido continued to climb after kids, if you are one who desires it regularly and if you continually feel sexy postpartum...this post probably isn't for you. But feel free to keep reading so you can understand the rest of us. :)
This is for the rest of you. Before kids you were spontaneous and passionate. Before kids you were comfortable in your own skin. Before kids you WANTED to have sex.
Then kids happened.
Kids are a blessing...we all know that. They are game-changers in life. They change our world, and rightfully so. And if you are a woman...they change your sex-drive too.
So what do you do when you feel ZERO desire and passion?
When your common answer is, "I'm too tired, maybe tomorrow?" or "I have a headache." What should you do?
Here are 5 tips to help you with sex after kids:
1. Remember you are normal.
Yep. If after kids you have no desire to be intimate with your husband, guess what? You are normal! Your hormones are all over the place, and will be for quite some time.
You just went through the most traumatic and beautiful thing your body will ever do. Your body and hormones are recovering. It is perfectly normal for you to not have any desire for physical intimacy. So give yourself a break and realize it's okay to feel this way.
But we aren't stopping there. Read on sister...
2. Don't compare yourself to your past.
Your husband will probably do this enough for you, quite honestly, because it is really hard for them to make sense of this new woman they are married to. His former "tiger" has turned into a sloth! Lol.
You have to come to terms that you aren't the woman you once were...and that isn't a bad thing. Transition and the new you is who you are. The sooner you embrace it and create your new normal, the sooner you can enjoy the next level of intimacy with your husband.
Your life will constantly be going from one stage to another, so don't resist this new season you are in. Will there be days you miss the old you and how easy it was to jump into unbridled passion? Yep! And that may appear from time to time, and when it does, ride that wave as long as possible! But when it doesn't, know that your old self isn't better than your new self. Different doesn't equal bad.
3. Make room in the bedroom.
Can we be honest....because we kind of already are...it is going to be extremely difficult to make love with your husband and get in any frame of mind for intimacy when you have a child in your room.
I know many of you are co-sleepers. I'm not anti co-sleeping at all! But there HAS to be a balance and boundaries for the sake of your sex life.
As women, in order for you to thoroughly enjoy sex, you have to have your mind in the game! You already have a hard time turning off your mind at night. So throw in a crying baby or a sleeping toddler at the foot of your bed and you have created a mental hurdle that is now 20x higher and harder to get over!
Do yourself a favor...if you are a co-sleeper, create evenings where the kids are not with you...or at the very least, hours where they are not! You need this and so does your husband. Your kids don't know it yet, and won't ever want to think about it, but they need this too. They need to see you modeling who is in FIRST place in your heart, and if it isn't your husband, then we have bigger problems.
Some of you simply need to make room in your bedroom again for some love making.
4. Remember sex is a gift.
You may be thinking, "Gift???? Don't you mean a chore?" When you are exhausted from a day of kids spitting up on you, changing diapers, running a business, being taxi mom, making breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks, sometimes the LAST thing you want to think about is sex. It can feel like one more thing on your list of to-do's.
In order for sex to not be a chore, you have to have a perspective shift. As important as connecting emotionally with your husband is to you, sex is to him. You cannot change that. It's a reality and part of God's design. Your husband can get a lot of needs met elsewhere. He can have friends, coworkers and hobbies who fix some basic needs and desires in him, but there is only ONE thing that he desires and needs that you are the only one mandated by God to fulfill.
Choose not to see it as a chore, rather choose to see it as a gift you are giving your husband. Sometimes sex isn't about you, it's about meeting a need in your husband! That alone is a good enough reason to engage in it. This is called selfless love by the way. It is one easy way you can serve your spouse and put their needs above your own. And if you are lucky, you may get something out of it too!
5. Schedule your intimacy.
I'm not even kidding.
I know this may go against what you are thinking, but this will honestly help you. Have a discussion with your husband about how many times a week he would realistically like to be physically intimate with you? For real! Ask him. You may be surprised by his answer.
Then make a plan! Schedule your time with him. This will create expectation for the both of you. Find the mornings, afternoons or evenings that work best for your schedule and come to an agreement. It may feel weird talking about scheduled sex, but just like meal planning, it takes the pressure off so you can just enjoy life.
FYI, this doesn't mean you won't have spontaneous get togethers. Those are always up for grabs if you ever feel the desire.
Try this for a month and see if it doesn't help you and your husband out. If not, scrap this idea and come up with your own, but don't shoot it down before you have actually given it a try.
The bottom line is sex is a precious gift from God for husbands and wives to experience the deepest level of intimacy together. Kids may change your hormones, but don't allow kids to change your view of what sex ought to be in your marriage. Don't let your littles be an excuse to not engage and satisfy your husband. It's too important.
Love + Blessings,
Sabrina is a mother to three girls and one boy. She is a also a pastors wife, freelance graphic designer and mom coach! She resides in beautiful San Diego where the sun shines every day. She prefers chai lattes over coffee, mac-&-cheese over vegetables and staying in over going out. Check her out on Instagram and Facebook!