Back Burner Sex

By Kami Zumwalt

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“It's been over ten years since my wife and I have had sex” confided the humble, albeit distraught man to my husband, hoping for some Godly answers to his marriage predicament. What once had been a marriage of mutual passion had dwindled to a cohabiting couple, sharing daily chores, bills, church services, but sadly void of any warmth behind closed doors. 

This, sadly, is not an isolated case. It's shocking how many woman (or men) have decided sex is only for the newly married, is unimportant, or simply have no desire to be intimate with you their spouse.    

What's also harrowing to intimacy is how easy it is to put sex on the back burner when the kids start arriving! Here are three reasons to turn the burner back on high…or at least to rearrange your back burner priorities.

1.    Not A Duty But A Delight

Ok, we've all been there. You're exhausted. The kids have destroyed your house and sanity, and have finally fallen asleep, leaving you with a six-foot tall pile of laundry to fold, and all you want to do is crawl into bed and SLEEP. Forever. And frankly, there are times we literally need sleep more than sex (I'm not sure my husband would agree!) But on days that are less crazy, my mindset about sex greatly affects my desires.

Is sex a duty or a delight? Because if I begin to put it on my “to do list” it can easily feel like a chore, and cause resentment towards my spouse. But when I renew my fresh sense of wonder, privilege, awe, and gift sex is from our Father, I return to the mindset that sex was always intended to be a delight…. not a duty.

When a man knows you delight in him, you awaken a fresh sense of manhood, honor, courage and warmth in his soul. When your husband knows you delight in your marriage bed, you have a man who will climb the highest mountain in an effort to be a hero in your life. 

God is famous for bringing delight to all He breathes on. Marriage was always meant to be a delight, not only a duty.

In fact, in the old testament a man would give up his duty to his country for a full year to stay home and become acquainted with his new wife. In this case, delight trumped duty.

“If a man has recently married, he must not be sent to war or have any other duty laid on him. For one year he is to be free to stay at home and bring happiness to the wife he has married.” Deuteronomy 24:5

2.     A Secret Stress Killer

Yah, hold on to your hat, because every sexual encounter with your husband has the potential to extend his life! (And yours!) The Hebrew word for sexual intimacy between a husband and wife in the Old Testament is the word yada. Yada literally means, “to know deeply or intimately.”  “Yada” lowers blood pressure, helps your immune system, improves bladder control, lowers cancer risk, increases your sexual desire, and causes your body to release hormones, like oxytocin and endorphins, that can help manage stress. Oxytocin also helps you sleep. 

Life is stressful. Kids are stressful. Intimacy was meant to connect us at such a deep level, that even our bodies react in ways to permanently reduce stress and help us deal with life issues. (And so much for that crazy headache excuse we've heard joked about. Research shows sex can even cure those too!)

3.    Sex Protects

“Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” 1 Corinthians 7:5

Ladies, there is an enemy after your man. He’s poisonous. And sometimes he dresses up in a skirt and prances by your husband. Sexual temptation is everywhere. Want to help protect him? Intimate encounters with you are like shields around his heart. The Bible says when Miss Temptation bats her eyelashes, your prayer life and sex life give strength to stand up against her wiles! 

When Joseph was tempted by Potiphar's wife in Genesis 39, it was a full ditch effort to rob Joseph of the greatness he was called too. And she was ruthless. The Bible says, in verse 10 “She pestered him day after day after day, but he stood his ground….” (MSG)

And then came the day, she set him up. She had pestered him, pranced by him, and honorable Joseph resisted her ploys. 

What was she really after?

His coat. 

Which represented his authority. The same thing the enemy wants to steal from all great men and women, their God given authority to rule and reign in Christ. 

Genesis 39:12 ...that she caught him by his garment, saying, “Lie with me.” But he left his garment in her hand and fled and ran outside.

There she sat, wickedly grinning at his coat in her hand. Stripped of authority, we are left in a vicarious position. It was only moments later Joseph was thrown into prison for a crime he didn't commit. 

Temptation is still after the coats of great men. (And women.) I find great comfort and satisfaction in knowing I help guard my husband's coat every time we are in the bed chamber. Who can possibly catch a husband's eye, when all he can think of is his wife? This is our high privilege to help guard the great men God has given to us, while they guard our coats as well. 

What a generous God who gives us the gift of sex to protect our marriages, boost our health, and bring us intimate delight. And what wise women we are indeed, when we keep our sex life off the back burner…for good.


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Kami is a forty-year-old pastor's wife, living in a farmhouse, raising two girls under six and an adorable six-month-old baby boy. She's a prophetess, women's pastor, prayer warrior, published freelance writer, and homeschool mom who loves antiques, tea cups, chocolate truffles and empowering women to live free and fulfilled in Christ. Follow her on Instagramand Facebook.


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Kami Zumwalt

Kami is a forty-year-old pastor's wife, living in a farmhouse, raising two girls under six and an adorable six-month-old baby boy. She's a prophetess, women's pastor, prayer warrior, published freelance writer, and homeschool mom who loves antiques, tea cups, chocolate truffles and empowering women to live free and fulfilled in Christ. Follow her on Instagramand Facebook.