5 Ways To Stop Tantrums With Your Toddler

By Sabrina Schlesinger

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We’ve all been there…standing in the checkout line at the grocery store, leaving the playground, bed time, or just after you ordered your food at the restaurant. The lip protrudes, their body goes limp, they fall to the floor, their face gets red, they take a deep breath and let out the most ungodly sound that sends chills up your spine. Yep, you know what I’m talking about…TODDLER TANTRUMS!!!

 

They can happen in an instant…like an earthquake without warning. All of a sudden you go into survival mode. Your focus turns to finding a way to get out of the public so you can suffer with the screams of your toddler in privacy.  

 

I’m here to help! Keep on reading to discover 5 ways to stop tantrums with your toddler.

 

After having four kids, all who are past the toddler stage, I learned rather quickly that babies don’t come with instructions! Some of these things we learned the hard way, through trial and error, others we gleaned from those who had gone before us and had experienced success.

 

5 WAYS TO STOP TODDLER TANTRUMS:

 

#1 - Stay Calm

 

Have you ever watched the show, The Dog Whisperer? If not, I will break it down for you. The premise of the show is Cesar, the “Dog Whisperer” goes to different homes where people have out of control animals. Throughout the entire show, one theme remains the same, the dogs aren’t the problem, the pet owners and the way they are raising their pet is.

 

I imagine if there was a Toddler Whisperer, and he came into my home 10 years ago, he would have said the same.

 

I had an out-of-control toddler. For over a year we just stopped going to restaurants because the fits were so gigantic and we didn’t know how to handle them. Tantrums had officially taken over our life and this cute little toddler was calling all of the shots. Something had to change…and the first thing to change was me.

 

I seemed to take offense to my child when they threw a fit. I let them get to me…big time! Rather than me responding with self-control, I often reacted with frustration and yelling of my own. I was even dubbed “crazy mom” during this time. I remember one time sitting in the car as one of my kids was having a meltdown and I lost it. Like embarrassingly lost it. I started screaming at the top of my lungs. There I was, telling them to stop their tantrum while throwing a fit of my own!!

 

Have you ever heard the statement, “You reap what you sow”? It’s true. As I disciplined in anger and threw my mom tantrums, I discovered they never once made the situation better. I was getting back from them exactly what I was giving to them.

 

I began making some major adjustments in my responses. If I needed a time out, I took it so I could effectively parent and coach my children when they were struggling with their emotions. I chose to not take their fits personally. They weren’t out to “get me”, they were simply little humans who needed my help to process.

 

So stay calm mama. Take a deep breath, send up a prayer of help to God, and respond to your kids rather than react. It will make a huge difference.

 

Now I know what you are thinking. Kids are going to throw fits regardless of whether or not you stay calm, and you are right…they will. But they are taking their cues from us on how to handle frustrating situations. So show them the right way to respond when you don’t get your way.

 

#2 - Pre-call the meltdown

 

I have heard it said that the opportunity to become offended is when our unspoken expectations are not met. Guess what…little 3 year olds experience the same thing!

 

I have made it a habit anytime we go somewhere to pre-call the meltdown. This looks like explaining to them before going into Target that they won’t be getting any candy or toys on this trip, to 30 minutes before bed-time coaching them that the time is approaching and that you expect good decisions from them.

 

Of course this is absolutely no guarantee, but I have found more often than not I am able to head off a potential disaster because my kids knew what to expect going into the restaurant, store, play date, etc.

 

#3 - Don’t ignore them

 

So many people say to just ignore the tantrum when it is happening, but for most cases I just don’t agree…and here is why.

 

Our toddlers are learning how to communicate. And when they are 2, 3 and 4 years old, their vocabulary isn’t as big as their brains yet. Tantrums are often their way of expressing disappointment, anger, embarrassment and fears. When we simply ignore them and let them work it out on their own, are we really helping them process through their emotions? I don’t think so.

 

What if instead of ignoring them, we helped them! What if we pulled out a sheet of paper, or had an image on our phone that had images to help them identify what they are feeling in their hearts? What if instead of ignoring them, we took the time to seek to understand why they are throwing a fit. Isn’t that what you and I desire? To be understood? To be heard? To be validated?

 

 

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MY FREE "WHAT AM I FEELING?" PRINTABLE!

 

 

I know not every time they throw fits you will have the opportunity to do this, but if you started taking 5-15 minutes at home with them when the meltdowns occur to teach and train them how to rightly respond to disappointment or inconvenience, then when they are in public settings, they will start to have the techniques to handle their strong feelings that normally send them into a meltdown.

 

I have had discussions with my kids when they are angry that goes something like this, “I know you wanted to stay and play longer, and I can see that you are very disappointed that we have to leave now. I understand why you would feel that way. I get disappointed too when I don’t get my way and when I am having lots of fun. Can you use your big boy/girl words to let me know how you are feeling instead of screaming? Mommy doesn’t hear your screaming, but I do hear your words! You can tell me, ‘Mommy, I am mad that we have to leave.’” What I am doing here is acknowledging their disappointment, validating their feelings (even if I disagree), and then giving them the words to say instead of screaming.

 

This doesn’t just teach them how to process their feelings, but will help your kids immensely to handle conflict resolution as they grow older. And that is such an important skillset to have on their tool belt.

 

#4 - Keep it private

 

As much as you can, correct and discipline your little ones in private. Our tendency is to correct them right then and there. But by taking a minute to get alone (or as alone as you can be), it will give you a second to get yourself under control ,as well as show your child that you love and respect them.

 

No one likes to be embarrassed.

 

When one of our kids continued to scream like she was being burned alive at the stakes while we were having dinner at a restaurant, I excused myself and my child from the table. I picked them up, held them close, and walked to the restrooms or outside until they calmed down. I think one time my husband and I traded off about 12 different times at one sitting. It was exhausting. We knew she was testing us and for her sake, we had to win the battle.

 

You may have other kids in the family. If you can help it (and not all the time you can), avoid disciplining them in front of their siblings. Even though they may be acting like a crazy person, show them the respect they aren’t having for themselves or you at the moment.

 

#5 - Give them a time limit

 

At the end of the day, we all process at different speeds. When I learned this, it helped me out so much! It was like I all of sudden had a light go on that allowed me to give my kids permission to have a moment.

 

Sometimes, with all of our best efforts, they still break down. So when those moments happen, here is what I do. I let them know, “If you are going to scream, then you have to go and scream into a pillow, because no one wants to hear it.” I also give them a time limit. I will tell them, “You have five minutes to get this fit out of you, and when the buzzer goes off, you are going to change your attitude or there will be consequences.”

 

I found when they were given a time limit, they got over it much quicker, especially with consequences on the table. I just had to be sure to follow through with the consequences if they continued. :)

 

………………………………………………….

 

Bottom line…tantrums may never go away entirely, but if you will apply these tips, they should decrease less and less over time.

 

Your kids may be used to reacting now…it is their default response, so it is going to have to be UNLEANRED and REPLACED with a different default. This simply takes time, discipline, and consistency. But our kids are worth that effort.

 

If we put the hard work in while they are young, we will reap the benefits as they grow older!

 

Love + Blessings,
Sabrina


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Sabrina is a mother to three girls and one boy. She is a also a pastors wife, freelance graphic designer and mom coach! She resides in beautiful San Diego where the sun shines every day. She prefers chai lattes over coffee, mac-&-cheese over vegetables and staying in over going out. Check her out on Instagram and Facebook!


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Sabrina Schlesinger

I am officially middle-aged! I have gone up the hill and am now SLOWLY going down the other side.

I am married to my best friend! No really! Our first 10 months of dating were spent entirely in group settings, either working along side each other in ministry or at our families homes. We never had alone time. We never held hands. We never kissed. So we had a great amount of time to talk and really get to know each other. We read books, received counsel from our pastors, discussed our strengths and weaknesses in front of our parents, and built a foundation of friendship that I am forever grateful for. And let me tell you...when we did have our first kiss 10 months in....there were fireworks baby!!!! We are approaching our 17th anniversary and co-pastor Grace Church in Oceanside, CA. We are living out or dream and calling side by side.

I am a mom of 4. We have three girls and a boy.

When we gave birth to my first girl, Sophie (now 16), we thought we were amazing parents. She slept through the night, hardly every fussed, was beautiful and easy. First child syndrome...I know.

When I gave birth to Mattie (now 14) nearly two years later everything changed. She was colicky from the start, she had red raspberries on her face that turned BRIGHT RED when she screamed...so that was all the time, and as she grew, it didn't get any better. I seriously thought at one point she was demon possessed because her outrageous fits where over the top. I could often be found in a fetal position crying when Matthew, my husband came home. Little did I know then that Mattie and her over-the-top fits would be the catalyst for so many future ministry moments with other moms in desperate need of help and advice on raising toddlers...who too were crazy!

We thought we were done. After Mattie I was like, "No way, I can't risk having another kid like that! The only way I will get pregnant again is if God speaks to me directly, and I don't think He is planning that." Welp....I was wrong. I heard God speak to me one night as I was at a conference that we were to have a third child and He spoke some very special promises to me about this child. So out popped Lillian (aka Lily - now 11).

Lily wass one of those babies that everyone gravitated too. She had and still does have a spirit about her that is so welcoming, loving, and kind. People just love her and she loves people. I am so glad I obeyed the Lord on this one. After Lily we felt done. This time Matthew said, "If we are supposed to have any more children, God is going to have to speak to me directly." Fast forward 9 years!

In August of 2016 we were on a much needed family vacation, the five of us. It was at this time that God whispered in the ear of my husband that we were to adopt a child from our county. Matthew told me what God said and of course, I said, "Let's do it!" I will write another post about our adoption story later, but November 1st, 2017, at age 4 1/2, Shawn (now 6) came into our home and became our son.

I am a freelance graphic designer by trade and a pastor by calling, but I felt like there was something more I should be doing. Recently I asked myself a question..."What brings me life?" It was easy for me to answer. I LOVE helping young moms navigate through motherhood. I love giving advice to help moms get through tough and trying seasons of life. There is a generation of moms out there who have broken relationships with their own mothers and feel like they have no one to turn to. That breaks my heart. No mom should have to go through life alone with nobody to lean on. And this is where Mom Mentor was birthed.

So that is me in a nutshell. I am pretty simple, not high maintenance, a lover of mac-and-cheese and chai lattes, and slightly obsessed with all things dystopian. I am glad to have met you and I look forward to our journey together!

Love & Blessings,

Sabrina